It’s our little sister’s birthday today. She’s 39. I called her with 27 minutes to spare, got her voicemail (which I mostly expected), and sang her an awful rendition of the happy birthday song that I learned from my high school freshman honors English teacher. It involves spelling out the words happy birthday twice through, plus a silly little bridge, all in one breath. She called me right back; and you would be as delighted as I was to know that she could not answer the phone because she was busy singing karaoke. In a bar. In Salt Lake City.
My calls to friends in Utah do not often get missed because they are busy singing karaoke in a bar. But Martha though. 🙂 On her birthday week agenda: Target floaties and lots of water activities. I requested one pretty picture of Mt. Timpanogos (“Yeah… you’re gonna have to text me that.”) and that she have a good time. Which she assured. And then the I love you’s.
Again, I’ve been absent much longer than I expected I ever would be when I started this endeavor. I’ve jotted notes and sat at the computer over and over again, trying to capture things I’ve been up to, thoughts I’ve had, breakthroughs of this or that sort, things I’ve tried, frustrations I’ve wished I could brainstorm with you. There’s been a lot. Long drives, podcasts, a trip to Fairbanks, the start of school for each of our kiddos, some art, some writing, some art, some music. One of those 99-cent busted plumbing parts that turns into a basement leak, moisture remediation, and a hole in the siding of my house… a memorial service for someone younger than our little sister. Much younger. I lost my breath when I heard. I thought immediately about her parents and about the brother she’s left behind–the lone member now of their sibling club.
And so the I love you’s…
For all that’s passed, happened, dawned on me, been bestowed in the forms of spontaneous blessing, messages from spirit guides, and invitations to growth opportunities from completely unrelated corners of my life… for all of the opportunity and disappointment… for all of it, I continue to have just the single, overriding experience of gratitude. On the heels of deep weeping, laughter-to-tears, windfalls, setbacks… I feel a profound appreciation for just being here, in a body, at a point in time where my health and means and circumstance let me do things like look out over a birch canopy from atop a cabin roof; build a blueberry patch; meander through the neighborhood well after dark and let the dog walk me while I listen to an audio book about the physics of God or the curious things we can learn about the brain and our identities when we sever the corpus collosum.
If you were here, in a body still, I would dare you to read that last paragraph out loud to me all in one breath. You would try. And you’d probably be able to do it. Then you’d make some joke about the long-windedness of lawyers. I would laugh. And then the pause. The deep breath. The I love you’s.
You are my favorite sister.
All the I love yous. ❤️